Kerry Cronin: Hanging Out and Hooking Up

On February 23, 2015, the Society of Saints Peter and Paul hosted (our first ever) campus-wide event entitled "Hanging Out and Hooking Up: Dating and Relationships in College." The speaker for this event was Prof. Kerry Cronin of the Boston College Philosophy Department. Prof. Cronin, in addition to teaching philosophy courses, began a class at BC that required its students to go on dates. In the wake of the continued success of that class, Prof. Cronin has been delivering "Bring Back the Date" talks around the area in which she instructs her audience on how to go on a date. We were very fortunate to have Prof. Cronin deliver such a talk at Holy Cross.

Our poster advertising Prof. Cronin's talk

This event was held at 7:30 PM in Rehm Library . Every seat in the library was taken, such that many onlookers were standing, sitting on the floor, or crowded behind where Prof. Cronin was speaking. Her wonderful sense of humor has the entire audience laughing throughout her entire presentation, and they seemed to hang on every word she spoke.

Prof. Cronin began by saying that her work with "Bring Back the Date" sprang from two sources. She was once advised by a wise Jesuit that in order for her teaching to affect the lives of her students, to truly participate in Jesuit education, it must somehow relate and be applicable to their everyday lives in the world. The other source was a discussion she once had with eight BC seniors. In the course of their conversation, these highly accomplished students revealed that they never went on dates and that only one of them had ever been on a date at all.

From her interactions with students Prof. Cronin has learned what exactly the hook up culture entails and how it affects their lives. The very term "hooking up" is inherently ambiguous, for someone who says to have hooked up could have done anything from kissing with a stranger to having had sexual intercourse. Yet this innate obscurity dominates and defines the college "romantic" scene, necessarily denying the intimacy it sets up as its goal. The hook up culture demands distance and detachment by discouraging people to communicate about their relationships. It demands that regular standards of conduct be abandoned, and ultimately leaves its participants lonely and afraid of the closeness they so deeply desire. As a result of this situation, students who do not participate in the hook up culture or are not already in serious relationships ("pseudo-married couples") opt out of the dating scene entirely.

Prof. Cronin described how in one of her classes (a one-credit senior capstone seminar) she attempted to get her group of fifteen students to go on dates. All but one of the students, however, failed to work themselves up to the task. In light of this outcome, Prof. Cronin decided that in the next semester's seminar that the date would not only be mandatory but required to pass the class (which, despite some chaos, did encourage the students to complete the assignment).  By the semester following that one, she had perfected her strategy for this assignment and introduced specific instructions for how the students should go on dates.

The students had a two-week frame in which they needed to go on the date. Students are encouraged to go to places like coffee shops, ice cream places, and other such low key environments for a first date. She requires for these "Level 1 Dates" that students:

• The student must ask someone out in person (no Facebook, texting, snapchatting, etc.)
• The date be arranged within three days of the asking. Waiting longer invites anxiety, drama, and unsolicited (or worse, solicited) advice form friends
• The person being asked be a legitimate romantic interest (not just a friend). Though it is a good idea that it not be someone on whom the student has had a crush for years, it should be someone whom they could envision cultivating a relationship with
• The person should know it is a date. Reference to the assignment is OK, but they should not be told the assignment is the only reason for the date
• IT should last between 45 to 90 minutes
• Have a straightforward plan for the date (do not ask them to decide), which will show care and concern and take the pressure off
• Pay for the date without fuss
• Choose three people to tell the date about, and no more. This limit helps to avoid vicarious dating and drama from friends (who often don't want the relationship to develop for fear of losing their friends)
• The date should involve no physical interaction, with the possible exception of a friendly A-Frame hug at the end
• They should not date someone whom they've dated before
• It may be during the day or the night (daytime is preferable), but it is only a date if the two are alone. No group dating, third-parties, or "wingmen" allowed

Prof. Cronin reported that students who participated in her dating class reported feeling more fulfilled and happy in dating than in hooking up. The hardest part was often just the asking, and the date itself proved relatively easy. Although dating does not instantly match everyone up with their future spouse, it helps students both to appreciate their fellow human beings more and to find out more about their own desires. She concluded with a remark from Pope Francis that our greatest fear is not so much rejection or failure, but becoming so numb and jaded that we are no longer capable of being moved by the joy, humor, suffering, and love of others. Dating helps to foster the sort of connection and relation that Pope Francis describes and which is so central to our human existence.

The winners of the Flying Rhino gift certificates are chosen

After a time for questions from the audience, we raffled off three $50 gift certificates to The Flying Rhino, a local restaurant in Worcester.  This event was a great success and a wonderful thing for Holy cross students to hear. We sincerely thank Prof. Cronin for her time and her superb presentation.